Archive for February, 2012

Dear Lea,

I always seem to upset my girlfriend over the smallest little things.  I really don’t try to, but just the other day she became almost irate over nose hair. How do I get her to chill out about things like this, and are there any other pet peeves women have that I should know about?

-James H, Salt Lake City, Utah

James,

If you need advice on getting her to “chill out” then she deserves a Nobel peace prize for staying with you in the first place.  What you need to do is listen to what she is saying, but realize she might not be telling you the whole story.  I’ve compiled a list of 10 things (with some celebrity help) girls won’t tell you but you need to know as a man.  I hope it helps.

1. Never tell a girl to chill out.  We all deep down inside think we are crazy, and you telling us to chill out plays right into our insecurity, so we absolutely can’t chill out after you tell us to.
2. The Brazilian bikini wax is torture. To show a little appreciation, you could trim your nose hair. And your nut sack.
3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.  Man up and admit you watch it.
4. We want dessert. We want you to order dessert. What we don’t want is for you to ask us if we want dessert. We will feel obligated to say no, or worry that you will think we are fat.
5. If we love you, there is nothing so filthy that you can’t say it in bed. And we hope you do.
6. Call us back right away. That ‘three day’ crap does not apply. We’re getting older and we don’t have time to screw around. Wait too long and we’ll lose interest. Trust me on this one.
7. We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish.
8. If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble.
9. If you won’t hold our hands in public, we won’t blow you in private.
10. Try honesty.  It really works. If we can’t handle it, then that is not an excuse to be dishonest, it’s a reason to re-evaluate your relationship. Honesty really is the best policy.

Gentlemen (and ladies), my name is Lea, and I will be answering any and all of your questions right here in the future. No question is off limits, although I may reword questions for vulgarity as I see fit.  I specialize in picking up girls (I work as a bikini bartender), Jeeps (I like it dirty) and relationships.  Questions will be answered by me or occasionally guest celebrities.

**************************

“Ask Her” is answered by relationship expert and shameless bikini bartender Lea Hatch, who specializes in picking up women, off-road Jeep tech, and relationship advice. Feel free to send any questions your heart desires to the magazine or Lea directly, either on twitter: @chirebailey or email: lea@ghostbookwriter.com.