Ask Her: Why Do Women Think Rape Fantasy is Sexy?

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bondageDear Bailey,

 My wife recently came to me and told me that she hasn’t been sexually satisfied in some time.  She says that she can only get excited if she is thinking about being raped, and now wants me to “rape” her.  I’m a little hesitant, as I’ve always considered violence against women to be repugnant. What should I do?

 Jeff H. –Manchester, England


Jeff. You find yourself at a crossroads in your relationship and it seems your lovely wife has communicated something with you because she completely trusts you. Admitting this type of fantasy not only takes a lot of trust, but opens her up to possible pain and humiliation should you deny her. You seem like a decent fellow, and you are right… violence against ANYONE is repugnant.  In your wife’s mind however, this is not violence, but an act of trust and love between consenting adults that has sexy hot built right into it.  Most women have this fantasy, but why?  Most psychologists believe this fantasy allows a woman to have the wild, naughty sex she desires, without having to suffer the guilt that often follows. Even in today’s modern society, women often are branded negatively for wanting sex with strangers.  This fantasy alleviates the guilt associated with the desire. When partners are married however, it goes a little deeper.  She want’s to feel so beautiful that you cannot do anything but help yourself to her goodies in any way possible.  Since a good girl doesn’t do bad things… she must “protest” even while you have your way with her.  It is quite a deliciously erotic feeling.

I have written another article on other various bedroom role play games, and it would probably be a good jumping point for you, but let’s get right into the rape fantasy your wife enjoys.

Since you’ve never done this before, I recommend starting small. Agree to a night that you will have sex with her, and she will fight your advances.  The more she fights, the more turned on she will get.  No no longer means no.  “Force” her to have sex while she struggles.  If she fights harder, push her down and spank her if you have to.  Threaten her with pain and violence. She will have no choice but to submit to you, and she will love every minute.

I always recommend having a safe-word in cases like this because we’ve all been taught no means no. Although she wants to struggle and and protest while you use her for your pleasure, should things get more out of hand than she expected she can use her safe-word to immediately stop the game, allowing you to discuss what happened.  I personally have never used my safe-word, and I think knowing it’s there lets me push my boundaries farther than I’d be willing to without one.  You may be surprised just how far she wants you to go.  Perhaps you will even find it shocking, but just remember she has confided her secret with you, and just because YOU think it’s weird… it’s not. Her desires are completely normal, so don’t be judgmental   Accept her kink and try to comply with her wishes, because she is still the same woman you love and married. Ravage her body, force her to submit to you, when you penetrate her she will have an orgasm so powerful the neighbors will know what just happened.

After the encounter, have a frank discussion about it.  Ask her if you were too forceful or not forceful enough, if she wants to do it again, and if so, what are the parameters.  Does she wants you to be a “stranger” in the night or a CIA operative torturing her for classified information? (My favorite, and I have the story here).

One final fall back safety measure that most people don’t think about is to have a “rape contract” or “slave contract” with your wife, even if it’s temporary.  It doesn’t sound like you guys have practiced many BDSM games, so I’ll give you a good reason you should have one.

Some women are loud and vocal, and if she is screaming and fighting you off (a very fun time I might add), the police might show up at your door. When this happens, they usually will assess the situation correctly and tell you to keep it down, but some officers fear that a battered woman might be protecting an abusive husband and arrest you on suspicion alone. A previously signed rape contract goes a long way to alleviating the officer’s fear that there is an actual crime going on.  I have a close circle of friends who often role play in the bedroom, and they have never had a problem with the police so I doubt you will have issues, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Whatever you do, don’t pull a Charlie Runkle from Californication:  (Context: He found out his wife enjoyed rape fantasies.)

If you allow your wife to live her fantasies through you, your bond will be stronger, trust will grow, and you will have a more satisfying sex life. I promise.






Bailey Ryan is our resident relationship expert and senior editor. She is a syndicated columnist and the author of “Ask Her”, and has been a guest on several radio and TV broadcasts. She specializes in picking up women, off-road Jeep tech, and relationship advice. Feel free to send any questions your heart desires to the magazine or Bailey directly, either on twitter: @chirebailey or email: