My girlfriend has a kink that I’m uncomfortable with. She can only have an orgasm when she is on camera or when people are watching her. She also says when she masturbates, she pretends to have people watch her, and in the past has used a webcam so people could watch her. In all other ways she is amazing and normal. What can I do?
-Anonymous, Southern California
Before we get into what can be done, let’s first try to understand what’s going on with her. Your girlfriend appears to have an autagonistophilia (she’s an exhibitionist), a paraphilia in which arousal and orgasm is reached by displaying herself sexually in person, onstage, or on camera.
Since science understands so little about the wiring of people’s sexual interests, my heartfelt advice is to learn to accept and enjoy it. There are however a few things you can do to make this journey smoother for you both.
The best advice (and least taken), is to visit a sex-positive, orientation-affirmative counselor who can help the both of you learn to appreciate this type of sexual expression. If any professional tries to change your mind by saying it’s unhealthy or wrong, say thanks but no thanks. It’s never good to travel down a path of guilt and shame when there is no solid evidence of being able to change in treatment. Why change anyhow? To be like everybody else? What fun is that?
If a counselor is not for you, then I recommend exploring her boundaries legally. If public sex gets her off, start in a public place where people know sex is part of the fun, like a swingers club. Having sex in a park might get you arrested, and her kink seems to be exhibitionism, not the danger of getting caught.
Practically speaking, you could also use this as an opportunity to make money. Live sex web cams are big business, and if you can get over strangers watching you make sweet, sweet love to your girlfriends mouth, you can turn her kink into your profit.
Other fun options include making private videos, exploring the swinger lifestyle, participating in erotic community groups, events, and conferences that encourage open, outward sexual play (these are fun).
Just remember my golden rule: communication is the key to all successful relationships. This self-exploration journey needs honesty, trust, and communication to work. You may find soon that there is an entirely “normal” segment of the population that likes the same things she does.
Since you live in southern California, I highly recommend Club FA; previously known as Freedom Acres. I’ve been there and it caters to mild and wild alike. It’s even a fun night for a girl’s night out. The nightclub is fun, and they have private and public rooms in the back to get frisky with your lover. Soon you might even get a double hummer from one of her friends, and isn’t that what life is all about? Enjoy!
Bailey Ryan is our resident relationship expert and senior editor. She is a syndicated columnist and the author of “Ask Her”, and has been a guest on several radio and TV broadcasts. She specializes in sexual behavior, relationship advice, and off-road jeep tech. Feel free to send any questions your heart desires to the magazine or Bailey directly, either on twitter: @chirebailey or email: BaileyRyan@mensconfidence.com.