Ask Her: Should Cheaters Come Clean?

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cheaterDear Bailey,

I’ve been with my GF for 3 years, and we are very happy.  In fact, I even popped the question last November and she said yes, which makes me feel worse about this.  I went out with my friends to a New Years Eve party and ended up wasted and woke up naked in bed next to a girl I didn’t recognize. I don’t know or really like this girl, but the guilt has been eating me up since New Years and I think I should tell my GF.  I don’t want to break up, but I think she should know.  What do you think?

Kevin -Dallas, TX

Kevin,

First of all… you sir, are an asshole.  It’s guys like you that feel the need to go out and get laid, then feel sorry for themselves and ruin the day, month, or even year of your loving fiance. Jerk.

Now that that’s out of my system, lets get to the issue of guilt and honesty. It is no secret that I value honesty over everything in a relationship. Open and honest communication is key to all successful relationships. It should also be noted that as a prior victim of demonstrable infidelity by my ex-husband, my advice here may seem counter-intuitive to what I really feel deep down, but I’m trying to be objective.

If this were an ongoing affair or if you’ve cheated with multiple people, I would say you absolutely need to come clean and face the consequences, or seek therapy for your behavior. However, what it really sounds like is you were out having a good time, got drunk, and thought in your drunken stupor that you should hook-up one last time before marriage.  Perhaps this was not your mindset at all, but let’s go with it.

If this truly is a one time thing, keep this incident to yourself. Telling her will unburden you; assuaging your guilt while making her feel awful, and quite possibly ruining her life.  You don’t deserve to be unburdened, and she doesn’t deserve to be hurt. You need to live with the shame of your mistake, and keep her happy in the process. Since this is a one time mistake, you need to move past it without her losing trust in you forever. If you find yourself wanting to ever cheat again, you need to come clean, see a couples counselor, and re-evaluate your relationship.

Learn from this mistake.  Since I think you are a douche, prove me wrong by being faithful for the rest of your life, or at least the rest of your relationship, whichever comes first.

 

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Bailey Ryan is our resident relationship expert and senior editor. She is a syndicated columnist and the author of “Ask Her”, and has been a guest on several radio and TV broadcasts. She specializes in sexual behavior, relationship advice, and off-road jeep tech. Feel free to send any questions your heart desires to the magazine or Bailey directly, either on twitter: @chirebailey or email: BaileyRyan@mensconfidence.com.