When I first started Twitter I wanted to be like Jordy but funnier. As I quickly sobered up I knew that day would never come. From the get go his tweets and style of humor made me realize why he was followed by many. If you’re one of the few who don’t know who Jordy is you’re either new to twitter or have your head stuck up your ass.
Here’s some tweets to give you a quick brief, followed by an insightful opener and a plethora of questions he graciously answered below.
If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) April 17, 2012
So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) March 20, 2012
Egg salad is a fart you can eat
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) April 4, 2013
In the “20 items or less” checkout. Guy in front has exactly 20 items. I slid Almond Joy into his basket. Cashier shot him in the face lol.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) March 3, 2013
Hello! Are you unhappy with your cable provider? I am too. Anyway, my name is Jordan, but the Internet knows me as Jordy. I am a 26-year old human man who lives close to Cleveland, Ohio. I support the kids I do not have by working as a sales & marketing manager at a family-owned manufacturing firm. My current hobbies include learning piano, golfing, avoiding snakes, and not dying. I have a girlfriend and a dog and do my best not to mix the two up.
Now that you have a better insight let’s knuckle down and peek into the tweeter that is..
As life on Twitter has progressed and watching your style of tweets evolve am wondering if Twitter has had any impact to your life? Both in general or in specific terms?
As far as humor is concerned, I think Twitter has enhanced my comedic preferences and absolutely helped my style of writing. Even though I haven’t pursued anything more yet, it’s nice knowing the thoughts I have are similar to some of my biggest comedy idols. I’m a huge fan of situational and observational comedy. One tweet I distinctly remember was by @Ty_Schutz which read,
Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought.
— Ty (@Ty_Schutz) September 15, 2011
I know that, at least for me, opening a bag of chips and thinking “there are only four chips in here” is quite a common occurrence. Being relatable to your audience is critical to gaining a following. Being retweeted by @robdelaney is also helpful.
Yes, I have wrecked my last 11 cars ramping into waterfalls but I can assure you I will find the bat cave very soon.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) April 5, 2013
We all have our own reasons for doing it though why did you start tweeting?
I wish it was because I thought it could be an avenue to help become a writer or give me material as a comedian, but it wasn’t. It was because I was in a bad place mentally. I was transitioning from one chapter of life into another, which came with some personal struggles. I started tweeting to turn my pain into something positive, which ended up being humor.
You guys remember that fun carnival game where you take a sledgehammer and run away, adding to your impressive sledgehammer collection?
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) May 23, 2012
What song best describes your tweeting style?
Most of my tweets honor the sounds of my one true god: Ace of Base
What superhero do you like and why?
I’m sort of a nerd/expert when it comes to superheroes. My favorites are Bartman, Iran Man, and The Inevitable Honk.
What’s a moment on Twitter that you got excited about?
@DaveCoulier (Uncle Joey from Full House) followed me once, sent me a DM asking for a shout-out, and then unfollowed me a few weeks later. I didn’t even have time to ask him how his career was going. Being invited to join WitStream was also pretty neat.
Do you have any rules for yourself on Twitter?
Not really. I took it way too seriously at the beginning. I would wake up in the middle of the night and jot down a joke to send the next day. It was a sickness of sort. Just have fun with it, and fart near anyone who tries to tell you how to run YOUR OWN account.
The thought of a zombie apocalypse sounded cool until I remembered how close to the TV I sat when playing Duck Hunt as a child.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) December 3, 2012
What are the determining factors to follow someone?
”Will they help me get more followers” is what everyone is thinking, but nobody is saying. It’s all about the tweets. I will follow someone with 10 followers if their tweets make me laugh. There is a lot of talent on Twitter and we are just scratching the surface. There are people with pile-o-shit tweets who have tens of thousands of followers and people with immense talent who have only hundreds. It’s YOUR job to uncover the next Sinbad.
I’d say the main reason I got a dog was the companionship and always having someone to trip me when I’m carrying a basket full of laundry.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) December 20, 2012
We all have favorites though who are your top 5 tweeters that you check for when you’re online?
I’m going to give you five of each gender, because after all, it is the 1950s.
First, I encourage all of you to follow @EliTerry, @ceejoyner and @duplicitron. Their style of comedy is like stepping on a Lego, shrieking, and then realizing that Lego was a Dr. Scholl’s insert that perfectly conforms to your foot.
I would round out my Dream Team with two personal friends, @hadzilla and @robfee (they are boners but pretty funny dudes).
As for the ladies, it’s much more difficult. There are so many good ones. If I had to narrow it down I would choose @sbellelauren, @Molly_Kats, @mzeld, @curlycomedy and @lanyardtwerk. All of them bring a unique brand of comedy in their own way.
Chocolate or candy?
I’m a big fan of Snow Caps, but I have only found them at movie theatres. Sometimes I will treat myself to a box, but only when I have at least $300 for a down payment.
What’s your opinion on @’s?
Go nuts, dude. I try to interact whenever I can, especially if the reply is clever or the person has rather large breasts. If I don’t have time to respond, I usually let whoever it may be know I read it by starring their tweet.
How much of your day do you dedicate to twitter?
When I started, it was embarrassing. Now, it’s less than an hour. I’ve gotten lazy, really. Some days I’ll splurge and tweet 4-5 times, but mostly you’re getting 1-2 morsels of subpar humor from me these days. Oh, and nothing on the weekends. That’s daddy’s drinking time.
If you were an animal what would you be and why?
A horse. Not exactly sure why, I’ve just always found them hilarious. How many animals can we ride on that don’t try to eat us? The answer is like five, but my favorite of those five is the horse.
Name one actor you would love to get naughty with?
I recently watched “The Five Year Engagement” and fell deeply in love with Emily Blunt. Then I found out that she’s married to Jim Halpert. Then I remembered that Jim will soon be unemployed. THAT is when I pounce. She will be my British queen soon enough.
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced as onety-one?
This is a dumb question and I hate you for it.
*This show is filmed in front of a dead studio audience*
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) November 15, 2012
Which is the best vacation you have ever been on?
I went on a cruise to the Bahamas with my family and girlfriend my senior year of high school. We took an RV down to Florida and hopped on a boat. I was 18, but could drink and gamble. Have you gotten a handjob on a cruise ship AND an RV on back-to-back days? I doubt it.
If you were granted 3 wishes, what would you ask for, and why?
Wish #1 – A sandwich – because I like them
Wish #2 – Another sandwich – because I’m still hungry
Wish #3 – A couple more sandwiches – to save for later
What is your biggest peeve about Twitter?
Some people can be downright cruel, and it’s usually those people who most deserve to be fucked with a chainsaw. I especially enjoy when people tell me I’m not funny anymore. I can scroll back and assure you I’m funnier than I was, my fifteen minutes just ran out. People are brave when sitting behind their computer. I bet they wouldn’t be so tough when all 6’3, 220 pounds of me showed up at their door with an edible arrangement. Have you ever had an edible arrangement? They’re delicious.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) March 20, 2013
What are you excessively obsessive-compulsive about?
Honestly, it’s this question. I am excessively obsessive-compulsive about it. What kind of font is that in? It’s making me nervous. Should there be a hyphen there? I need some pills…
What can totally impress you?
I am impressed by people who can do things that I can’t do. For instance, the other day I was getting a piano tutorial from a 6-year old on YouTube. As you can imagine, my self-confidence was at an all-time high. I probably have a bigger penis than him though.
If your life was a book, how would you want it to end?
Copy/paste whatever happens in the final season of Breaking Bad, and I’ll have that.
The NRA calls for an armed police officer at every school. Police officers with no arms still looking for ways to help.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) December 21, 2012
Did you ever have an imaginary friend as a child? If yes, what are they doing now?
Yes, I did. His name was Peter. Peter Dinklage. He was my friend WAY before you knew about him. *whips hair to the side*
Have you grown to be as successful or beautiful / handsome as you thought you would have when you were a child?
As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut and look like Pierce Brosnan. Boy, I fucked that up.
Do you like texting or talking on the phone?
Texting should be the only way we communicate. Have you ever broken up with someone? I bet you have. Did you do it through a text? Probably not, which is a mistake on your part. I bet you did waste four hours of your life, come close to getting back together with him/her and ultimately find out that you have inadequate genitalia.
More followers or solid base of friends?
I will take a solid base of friends nine times out of 10. That tenth time, the solid base of friends dies in a log flume accident at Disney world.
Which one television character do you wish you could be?
Dexter, because I want to (get better at) murder.
What is your favorite swear word?
I’d probably have to go with Travolta. Been calling people that for a few months now. Sort of taking it for a test drive, see if it catches on. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Favorite types of apples: Red Delicious, Fuji, Granny Smith, Latvian Oaf, Peculiar Infant, Todd, Bloodlust, Eagle Eye Cherry
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) February 21, 2013
What is your favorite part of the day and why?
It would definitely be at the end of my work day, when a man with no shoes pulls a string attached to a large-beaked bird’s foot. That bird squawks something fierce and lets everyone know that it’s time to go home. My car does not have a floor.
If we were a couple and we had a fight, how would you try to patch things up?
I would sex your friend up real good and describe it to you in detail.
Commit a crime. Wait patiently for cops to arrive. Sing State Farm jingle. Frame insurance agent. Switch to Progressive.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) February 1, 2013
What is the most successful pickup line you have ever used / heard?
It’s not really a line per se, but windmill dunking a fat sack of cash onto the head of a cute girl will always make her want to touch your filthies.
Define Twitter in a sentence.
A collection of written farts by human fart people.
What and when was the first adult film that you have ever seen?
I remember being maybe six or seven years old staying with my older cousin at my grandparents’ house. It was late, and we stumbled across the Playboy channel. That was the first time I saw a boobs. Then grandpa came home drunk and tickled us. It was a strange night.
It’s what’s on the inside that really counts! Unless you’re a pumpkin, then ewww.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) October 2, 2012
Your call is very important to us! Please continue to hold while Barb and Raymond have gross sex on a broken copier.
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) November 9, 2012
Everybody Loves Raymond Noodles hahaha fuck you guys
— Jordy Hamrick (@JordyHamrick) January 29, 2013
Thanks Jordy. Been great spending ten with you. See you online.
Check back next week for another TWIT