A weekly series, highlighting some of our favorite ≤140′s from MensConfidence writers and others. If you don’t follow them, bury your head in shame. Then follow them.
I use rubbing alcohol for external wounds, and Tequila for internal ones.
— Kelkulus (@kelkulus) July 18, 2013
I hate when autocorrect changes shbjjedxxxhhg to knbcxcscvhbb.
— Denise (@StellaRtwot) July 19, 2013
If you look better naked than with clothes, then fuck you. Unless you're a guy… in which case, fuck me.
— NoLuckWanted (@NoLuckWanted) July 12, 2013
Just because you plopped out a baby, doesn't mean you're a responsible adult. If anything, it makes you someone that's careless with jizz.
— Brother Rabbit (@Danny_McH2O) July 16, 2013
You had me at "I live so far away in a town you've never heard of and will never be able to travel to."
— Courtney Wench (@Courtniss_) July 19, 2013
How about an app that lets you know if the girl you're talking to online is a guy? We can call it "You've Got Male".
— Aristotles (@AristotlesNZ) July 19, 2013
Calling me "old school" is such an unfair assessment. Unless by "old school" you mean I had values like honesty and respect instilled in me.
— Get Cougarized (@GetCougarized) July 14, 2013
I thought Jay-Z was rich. Why is he still rapping about dealing drugs? That's like Bill Gates talking about homework and being a virgin.
— Kevinito (@ImKevinito) July 12, 2013
Let's all play dead and then jump out and scare the hell out of Facebook.
— JD Crowe (@CroweJam) July 19, 2013
Sex is only considered a sin if you're doing it right.
— PrincessCandyEmpire (@llvvzz) July 19, 2013
The only thing dumber than the contestants on Family Feud is the 100 people they survey for the answers.
— Verifried Drunk™®© (@VerifiedDrunk) July 17, 2013
*at work* yo mama is so fat!! "haha nice one dude" *puts a tick mark on a chalkboard* hey whats that? "oh this? its the employee diss count"
— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) July 18, 2013
It's so hot outside I'd probably let it talk down to me in public and still blow it's dirty dick like my life depended on it.
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) July 18, 2013
I wish my dad was the terminator because then he’d come back.
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) July 19, 2013
Hot singles in your area are taking screencaps of their weather app and posting it to Instagram.
— Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) July 18, 2013
You guys don't even have to favorite my tweets, at the end of the day I'm still telling my mom that I totally killed it on Twitter.
— zacharyflynn (@zacharyflynn) July 19, 2013
Almond milk? Almonds don't even have nipples I guess vegans are wizards now
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) July 18, 2013
If only Dre had been at the Alamo it would be a lot easier to remember both of them.
— jon sender (@senderblock23) July 19, 2013
Touch my girl bits like you have a accent.
— ~Cindy~ (@CindyMeakin) July 18, 2013
If I tweeted any more I'd just be yelling at people.
— Brian (@BDGarp) July 17, 2013
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Check back next week for another TWIT by @DeanOkay