A weekly series, highlighting some of our favorite ≤140′s from MensConfidence writers and others. If you don’t follow them, bury your head in shame. Then follow them.

It’s almost like North Korea has forgotten we LIKE to bomb Asians.

— Steve (@FSUSteve) March 7, 2013

Sent my husband a “We need to talk” text. I just want to know if he did my laundry.

— I am CanadianCyn (@CanadianCyn) March 4, 2013

The Queen is in hospital, so please Australia, NO ONE CALL THE HOSPITAL!

— BoyCalledAnn (@BoyCalledAnn) March 3, 2013

If someone was being held captive and could only open twitter on their phone, we’d all just star and RT the fuck out of their HELP ME tweet.

— Just Ginger(@xGingerAvenger) March 7, 2013

I’ve watched enough lifetime movies to know how this ends

— Lonnie R (@CandyWarhole) March 7, 2013

Netflix just suggested that I get a girlfriend?

— Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) March 5, 2013

I’ll typically eat an entire separate meal while cooking my main meal.

— Jay Such (@JaySuch) March 6, 2013

I hate when I get a super cute haircut and it doesn’t matter because I’m going to die alone.

— Puddin Mc7 (@PuddingBoobs) March 1, 2013

I’m in a bad mood and will be using my fake laugh all day, so if I laugh at anything you say today just know that I don’t mean it.

— Robyn Vo (@robyn_vo) March 5, 2013

There’s nothing as special as someone who wants to spend some physical time with you.Don’t fuck it up with your phone.

— Shane (@shanethevein) March 7, 2013

I’ve started keeping a Lego head in my nose so I can blow it into my hand whenever I want out of an awkward conversation.

— MJ (@sucittaM) March 6, 2013

Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) March 7, 2013

I don’t care if you’re the Lizard King, you can’t rhyme fire with fire and think no one will notice.

— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) March 4, 2013

Love those mornings you wake feeling unusually optimistic, only to pass an old woman pulling her husband’s urn around in a wagon.

— Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) March 3, 2013

Just ate a ‘family size’ chocolate bar but forgot to include the family

— andy lassner (@andylassner) March 4, 2013

my mom’s house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) March 7, 2013

A weekly series, highlighting some of our favorite ≤140′s from MensConfidence writers and others. If you don’t follow them, bury your head in shame. Then follow them.

Business Idea:1. Join dating site.2. Arrange dates with 30 people at your house, all at the same time.3. TIMESHARE PRESENTATION.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) February 22, 2013

Ever sign up for a new social network and the next thing you know you’ve lost three years of your life and you’re dead inside?

— Miss Fuckalicious (@PyrBliss) February 19, 2013

You know Darth Vader really doesn’t get enough credit for stepping up & admitting that he is Luke’s father.

— ☠Chaotic Disaster☠ (@That_Damn_Duck) February 22, 2013

3 things you’ll never hear in a Trailer Park:1. What kind of mustard do you want?2. Trans Am suck!3. I have a dental appointment today.

— Traylor Parker (@TraylorParker) February 22, 2013

One nice thing about death will be the lack of clutter

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 22, 2013

My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 22, 2013

Thinking about pre paying a Smash Mouth cover band to play at my funeral as kind of a last “fuck you” to my friends and family.

— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) February 21, 2013

I hope best picture goes to a dick-pic on instagram with a crazy filter. #oscars

— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) February 21, 2013

Whoever originally said that “laughter is the best medicine” obviously never received a blow job.

— The Guy (@theguydf) February 22, 2013

My final wish; for my chalk outline to be giving life the finger.

— Chet Pickle (@TheBlessMess) February 22, 2013

Relationships require twerk.

— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) February 22, 2013

One key to a successful relationship is doing a lot more self examination than finger pointing.The other is blow jobs. Lots of blow jobs.

— JenReyna (@MoistPork) February 20, 2013

Running barefoot from my 3rd story apt. down to my car to get my iPhone charger is the closest to Man vs. Wild as I’ll ever get.

— erica b. (@SCbchbum) February 18, 2013

I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.

— Verifried Drunk™®© (@VerifiedDrunk) February 22, 2013

Took two rests while typing out the word “procrastination”

— Jeffrey Brian (@sweet_toof) February 21, 2013

Very proud that so many of my socks have moved on and remarried after the unexpected loss of their partners.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) February 21, 2013

Since joining Twitter I’ve had to fire 3 people. 1 for lack of production & 2 for asking my Twitter name.Hope you guys can live with that.

— Shane (@shanethevein) February 21, 2013

A weekly series, highlighting some of our favorite ≤140′s from MensConfidence writers and others. If you don’t follow them, bury your head in shame. Then follow them.

When I’m eating alone & a guy asks if I need the other chair, I look at the chair & say “Why can’t he see you” & start crying till he leaves

— Khalifa (@KKAlThani) February 6, 2013

somewhere in america there is a white girl with a hat on sideways rapping thrift shop by macklemore.

— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) February 5, 2013

Fun Prank: Get down on one knee in front of your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day and insert Dr. Scholl’s odor control inserts in her shoes.

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) February 5, 2013

Chris Brown faked his community service record? Jeez, now he’s trying to beat the system.

— Travon Free (@Travon) February 6, 2013

most things just feel better when other people do them for me

— Jeply Surly (@JennyPentland) February 7, 2013

Sometimes I wonder why I’m single until I go back and read my last 4,500 tweets, then it all makes sense.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) February 7, 2013

Boy, the other people at Cheers were pretty quiet.

— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) February 6, 2013

Starting an organization to reduce children’s access to pornography. It’s called Families Against Porn or FAP. Wait.

— Steven Amiri (@StevenAmiri) February 5, 2013

All I know is one of us is right and the other one is you.

— Brian (@BDGarp) February 6, 2013

Sometimes I worry there’s a picture on the internet of a naked girl I haven’t seen.

— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) February 5, 2013

My emergency contact is Johnny Depp, so if I’m ever in a bad car accident, at least I get to meet Johnny Depp.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 6, 2013

I have a small blemish on my nose so if anybody needs me for the next two weeks, sorry I am unavailable

— elan gale (@theyearofelan) February 5, 2013

Really hope the Boy Scouts stick to their policy of denying homosexuals because a club where you sew flair onto sashes is no place for gays!

— Schindizzle (@Schindizzle) February 5, 2013

You’re suing Bill Maher over a joke. RT @realdonaldtrump: Be tough, be smart, be personable, but don’t take things personally.

— Shawn Garrett (@ShawnGarrett) February 6, 2013

I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I’m 31 years old and have never had an erection.

— Jennifer L. (@TheFearBoners) February 7, 2013

A weekly series, highlighting some of our favorite ≤140′s from MensConfidence writers and others. If you don’t follow them, bury your head in shame. Then follow them.

Next time I respond to a mildly funny text or tweet I’ll just write, “L”, because nobody does it out loud and I’m sick of all this lying.

— I’m Andy Mac (@TheReal_AndyMac) February 24, 2013

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

— Kelkulus (@kelkulus) February 22, 2013

Feeding horsemeat to my children because I want them to have huge dicks.

— C. Brown (@seabrown) February 25, 2013

Stone Temple Pilots announce they have fired the only person in the group I’ve heard of.

— Jennifer L. (@TheFearBoners) February 27, 2013

Sometimes talking through your problems can be good emotional therapy and sometimes putting someone through the wood chipper works better.

— PrincessCandyEmpire (@llvvzz) February 24, 2013

Was gonna go see a movie but it was restricted to “17 & over” & I couldn’t find 16 other people to go with.Shut up. You know you laughed.

— Aristotles (@AristotlesNZ) February 28, 2013

That awkward moment when Chad Kroeger gives the cashier a ten dollar bill and the total is $9.95

— Ryan Armentrout (@ryaninco) February 27, 2013

I was the victim of a University of Phoenix hazing. They made me put my pants back on and go to a Google+ Hangout. So humiliating.

— Wile E. Quixote (@ScottLinnen) March 1, 2013

I’m going to start telling all my houseguests “Here, use this towel. That other one will get you pregnant.”

— Lawbster (@LawbsterSaid) February 27, 2013

I’m not the family breadwinner, but mainly just because I don’t know where to enter any bread contests.

— Ron Mexico (@Coastiefish) March 1, 2013

Girls who try to scare me away before we date should know that I once waited outside of the Chinese Mann theater for 4 days to see Star Wars

— Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) February 27, 2013

Next time u’re late 4 work, say u were at a raccoon funeral. U still might get fired but at least the raccoon community will respect u

— alyssa kramer (@kramediggles) February 21, 2013

Great, some more balls I’ve put in my mouth that I need to reevaluate. Thanks IKEA.

— Nuclear Bombed (@NuclearBlonde77) February 25, 2013

Missed connection: I was in the bathtub, you were cleaning the rain gutter outside my window.

— jeanie (@jeaniepalm) February 28, 2013

The Fitness Pal app is the best thing ever to tell you you’ve consumed your goal weight in food before noon.

— Scarlett Fever (@WittyClitty) February 26, 2013

My biggest fear is that I’ll reply to some idiot here who won’t understand my sarcasm & then I get stuck with another friend I hate.

— Aspersioncast (@Aspersioncast) February 27, 2013

I’m not addicted to my fucking phone, I’m addicted to awesome strangers who treat me better than the assholes I know in the real world.

— Brandon (@BarebakAssassin) February 27, 2013

I like to whisper, “Pun intended, motherfucker…” to deaf people.

— Mike Lowry (@IdStandOnThat) February 28, 2013

I’m looking for a man who will match the drapes in my bedroom – easy to pull and very well hung

— Lisa K (@femin9) February 24, 2013

When Bieber drops the line “We’re gonna party like it’s 3012 tonight,” I think of how we’ll all be dead by then. And I lie in bed some more.

— Craig S. (@YUCKYBOT) February 23, 2013

A weekly series, highlighting some of our favorite ≤140′s from Men’s Confidence writers and others. If you don’t follow them, bury your head in shame. Then follow them

I wanna touch you all over. But with latex gloves and a magnifying glass.

— Laughs (@Lisa_Laughs_) April 5, 2013

Baby are you a B12 shot because it hurts when you stick it in my butt?

— Denise (@StellaRtwot) April 5, 2013

Nobody asks me to smuggle things between my butt cheeks anymore.

— Chet Pickle (@TheBlessMess) April 5, 2013

Seen a lot of cool teenagers not using their handlebars today.

— Barry Pupusa (@burntmybagel) April 4, 2013

Watching ‘Death Wish’ and just found out Bronson is for real dead FUCK TODAY ALL TO SHIT.

— Mike Lowry (@IdStandOnThat) April 5, 2013

Using fish-eye lens on your dick pics doesn’t mean you have a big one.

— Monica(@LittleHarmonica) April 5, 2013

I can already tell, I’m not going to like anyone just as much as I did yesterday.

— Chopper (@chopper4jk) April 5, 2013

I don’t know what irony is bro but it sounds like woman’s work

— Christopher Sweet (@kingofalltweets) April 1, 2013

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

— erica b. (@SCbchbum) April 4, 2013

I saw a guy with a giant Monster energy drink logo painted on his truck to let the world know he can fuck any woman he wants.

— Buck4itt (@buck4itt) April 4, 2013

A weekly series, highlighting some of our favorite ≤140′s from Men’s Confidence writers and others. If you don’t follow them, bury your head in shame. Then follow them

Just found out my girlfriend was literally a taco wearing a dress. My life is over.

— Owl City (@owlcity) March 28, 2013

Twitter —- where Atheists believe in Unicorns and Virgins believe in Anal.

— PUNTED CUNT FACE (@SaraESpivey) March 22, 2013

Online relationship?More like MASTURBATIONSHIPS!! HA!!! …I’m not even sorry.

— Koonass Patton (@imadepoopstoday) March 28, 2013

Birds that land and then walk across the street; what the fuck is wrong with you?

— Nick FUCKING Twist (@Twisty_Monster) March 27, 2013

Sometimes I wish you guys were my neighbors, you know, for booty calls.

— ~Cindy~ (@CindyMeakin) March 27, 2013

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.I was being a giraffe.

— Dorian Gray (@ImpeccableRogue) March 24, 2013

I saw my ex-boyfriend about to kiss his new girlfriend.I walked by and casually screamed, “I put my vagina on that!”

— Tylersaurus Rex (@TylerComeOn) January 16, 2013

If it can’t be done in the last minute I’m not doing it.

— The Shark Knight (@Mothpete) March 26, 2013

Totally judging my toddler, you guys, because toddlers deserve to be judged.

— Courtney (@Discourt) March 28, 2013

The only thing sexier than a guy all with his body all tatted up is one with steady income, judgment, and foresight.

— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) March 28, 2013

I wish some of you would be more sensitive with your words on here. My cousin Mitch is fucktarded.

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 25, 2013

I like being unfollowed, because no matter what…those people can never unread whatever it was that made them press that button.Hahahaha!

— Mordecai Ambugaton (@The_Separatist_) March 27, 2013

Don’t buy followers or beg for them. Just stay drunk and have mental breakdowns, live. People love that shit. Trust me.

— Jennifer is me (@Jennifergr8) March 25, 2013

Whenever something good happens to me, I look at my calendar and circle the day I think I’ll ruin it.

— Galia Mango (@galiamango) March 27, 2013